The last two nights I have basically cried myself to sleep. My dear sweet boyfriend holds me and doesn't say much, because there really isn't much he can say. Of course he has told me that things will be alright; that we will make it through this; that for every door that closes another one opens.
And truthfully, although he is saying all the right things, I really don't even want to hear them.
I want to cry. I want to feel the pain that I am feeling. I want this pain to motivate me even more to get my financial life in order.
But then I want to feel sorry for myself. Or at least be angry. I am not a bad person, I say. I went to work like I was supposed to. I did my job. I finally got a decent budget in order and had a buffer in my checking account and I was paying down my debts! I had finally gotten to a place where I thought things were going to be in some sense of order! I even finally got my GI Bill money deposited into my account and with that and the money that I would have made my last 4 working shifts this month I was going to be able to not only pay my tuition with CASH, but I was actually going to be able to pay OFF Capital One and still have a couple hundred dollars to pay towards the next debt!
My plan has gone to crap!
I wake up in the morning and I have nothing to do. Of course, I have things I can do, but I have nothing that is pressing. Classes are out until the middle of August. The kids are at their fathers until the middle of August. There is only so much laundry a person can do and I can only dust and vaccum so much until there is no point anymore.
We have an eliptical machine (well, it is his) that he has moved into the living room for me so I can catch up on some exercise. More like just trying to give me an outlet of something to do.
I have never felt this way before. It is hard to describe. I have been broke before. I have lived work shift to work shift before. But I always had a job. Since the day I turned 16 I have had a job. This is a very odd feeling for me.
He kisses me on the forehead and tells me, once again, that it is going to be alright. We aren't going to starve. We aren't going to be homeless. Which is true and I am very fortunate for that.
It could be worse. I have to tell myself that it could be worse. But today, in my world, it feels about almost as bad as I can stand it right it.
I think I am going to watch the Pursuit of Happyness. Because that movie just seems to be uplifting and I think I need that right now.